SemperFi2BMT

Feb 20

TERMS OF AGREEMENT

I have read  before the terms of agreement for this website. Here I am tonight watching a movie for two lesbian women who chose to have a sperm doner for their kids. The kids grew up in a home of lesbian mothers, still confused about their identity because of who their father is. And here I sit and wonder, many years after the fact, who is my father? Though many people will not agree or choose not to, I I have discovered who mine is. He may not be Titan. He may not be Brad Pitt. He is not the discovery of current science. He is not superman. He is Normal Man. He isn’t perfect. In fact. his faults overcome the good points about him to many. Most will never see his potential. They will never understand why I have tried so hard to find a fatherly potential in him. Though he never did take the place of my father like Paul Calcagno did, he is still biologically my father. In some unknown and some not so normal understandment, he has TRIED to be a father through telephone calls monthly. He has never stepped up completely to the roll of what being a dad is. I am one of many. Not just in my own unique household, but to others similar.

I grew up learning what a Dad is. It is someone who is there. Someone to support you. Someone constant. At the time, I did not understand what this meant. I didn’t know that my mother had permanently chose someone that would constantly be there. In my short childhood, there was no male father figure that remained con stent except for the Father, our Lord and Savior.

What has grown on me through many years is what exactly does a father mean. It isn’t sperm that is literally given during a child’s consummation. It is the act that follows. I may have spent many years wondering who my father is and what he has become after many years of no talk or no acknowledgement that he existed entirely. Actually, to be exact, my discovery of what a father was happened most likely years before I met my FATHER. I thought a father was someone that bore my seed. The person that planted me into my own being. But the truth is, there is more to this story.

When I was maybe sixteen, I began on a quest with my biological father. I began to talk to him and learn about him. I didn’t learn much, except what he had in mind for me, and his countless other children. He planted the seed, but didn’t continue more after that. The seed may have been his, but what did he pass on to that seed?

Most may not understand what I am talking about but I think that lineage has more to do with where you literally were raised and where that upbringing came than who actually made you exist. Crazy, I know. but this is a personal belief, and a strong one at that.

I remember a house in Dearborn. I remember my grandma. I remember spending many days together and learning her ways in the world. It was like I remember waking up one day and everything was different. My mother was different. My sister was different. I don’t think I understood what was changing. My mom had found new love. A man that accepted and loved her, despite what that past had drug along with it That man would and still forever changed my life. Paul.

The day my mother married my step father didn’t feel different than any other day. Except for celebration. I remember it almost clearly in my mind. I can tell you what I was wearing. I can describe the where exactly they were married. I can tell you who was there. This moment was BEYOND significant in my mind but I didn’t know why back then. I was too young. I can describe the wedding cake before my eyes. I can tell you about eating the cake, and vomitting the icecream up again in front of my NEW grandfather that same day..

I can tell you about my sister and I, and how we started out in bunk beds. I can tell you about my step brother and his bizarre fascination with reptiles. But the main point is Paul, my dad. Though he seemed like he was “just the man my mother was dating” at the time, he ended up being the most significant male role model in my life.

 Some people in this world experience a perfect family. They get the mother and father that had kids together and remained married, maybe even forever. That is not the story of my life. My mother met someone. She fell in love. She had two children with him. He wasn’t her soul mate. It ended. That was it. That was house it was. But she met someone that would make her happy, and that was Paul.

My goal is not to tell everyone a love story. My message is not the story of how my mother met my step father. My story is about how I found myself. And I would not have found myself if not for Paul. I keep calling him that, but it still fee;s wrong on several levels. He is not Paul. That may be his given name but that is not who he is to me. He is not just the man my mother married, but he is the man my mother chose to be a father figure to her two young children. My mother could not have chosen a greater man for this long and at sometimes terrible journey. He is more than just the man my mother chose to marry. He is the man I chose to call “Dad”. That is something only a child could understand without knowing who or what their biological father is.

My story is not unique. Many children grow up know little about who their father is. For a long time I had questions about it. “Who is my father?” and “Why isn’t he here?” It became so apparent to me after knowing who my father was that I didn’t actually need a father, because my whole life I had a dad that loved me like no other and completely accepted who I was as a person. Today, I still can’t portray that amount of gratitude. How do you thank a man for stepping into that role and accepting it? How do you thank them for what they have done?

I still, as I write this, have tears streaming down my face. I have tears for wondering what kind of father my biological father could have been. Maybe my life would be different had he chose to play a role long before  I was sixteen. But whether he did or didn’t, the only thing I mainly remember about my childhood being constant was Paul, or as I like to know, Dad. He was there. He was always there. Almost as long as I remember, Paul, Dad, was there. He was there during the biggest moments of my life. He supported me through darkness. He guided me through troubled time. He was THERE. He was constant. He never faded (even if at times I felt as though I wish he would have), he was always my dad.

Dad, if you are reading this, you are completely irreplaceable. You took a part of me as a small child that will never be replaced. I have tears streaming down my face I write this. Tears of joy. Tears of anguish. Why couldn’t I just be yours? I will never know why god chose this path for us, but he did and that is it. It is and will ever be that. We may never be biologically father and daughter but you WILL ALWAYS  be my father, no matter. You stood up. You were a man. You were a dad. though you were never forced to be mine. You CHOSE to be my dad and I can never tell you enough how much that means to me. For a long time I didn’t see it. I didn’t understand it. But once I did, I knew that I loved you more than I ever did any one else because you were there for me when it wasn’t your job to do it.

Dad, you held me, when I wasn’t yours. You took my hand when I was hurting. You taught me about the world. You taught me about friendship. You taught me about friendship. You taught me what it means to be a daughter. You taught me what it means to be a mother to the children I will have in the future. You taught me about hope, and that cinderella stories are true. Dad, you taught me everything I know. I hope you are as proud of mea as I am of you.

Love,

your baby

Dec 27

It amazes me how much growing up has happened to everyone since we have left high school. Sometimes when I think about it, memories of being at Huron seem like only a few months ago. It’s strange to believe that it has been three years since graduation. Even stranger is that some days, it feels as if that was decades ago. I am still so young, but sometimes I feel so old.

The toughest lesson I have learned in life is when to let go, whether it be of people or memories (or for me as a hoarder, belongings). I have never felt so lonely in my life. At work I’m surrounded by people. I log onto Facebook and see a lot of “friends”. Occasional snap chats. But these aren’t the kinds of friendships that I want. I can’t tell you how much I miss picking up the phone and being able to call someone when I just want to talk. I miss having someone to come over and hang out with, whether it’s doing something fun or just being lazy and watching tv. It seems everyone I know has a different agenda.

Honestly, the only person I feel like is Davron. But even he is rarely there. He’s always at work, or when he isn’t at work he is sleeping, or he is with friends. Basically, I just spend most of my time with the dog & the rabbit. Perhaps it is me and that maybe the older I get, the more antisocial I have become.

Things have been harder also since my parents moved away. I miss them. It still hurts a lot that they’re not here any more. It hurts that I feel like I don’t have a family. Like I have nobody here. Nobody that will help me when I need it. Maybe it’s some weird stage in life. Or maybe this is just me and how it’s always going to be. I miss when friendships were easier and talking to people face to face was normal. I miss when hanging out didn’t always have to be at a bar or a night club, but just having fun doing something and bonding together.

Aug 02

What Puppies Do

Holy guacamole. I can’t believe that in a month, my husky will be a year old. It’s crazy to think about where the time has gone. It seems he grew so quickly! When Davron and I had taken on the responsibility of a puppy, there were a few things we didn’t fully comprehend. All we saw was a tiny little bundle of fur.

What you don’t think about when you get a puppy is how time consuming they are. Aside from having to be walked, puppies need constant attention due to the fact that they will get into anything. Training them is a must and it has to be done over and over again multiple times a day in order for anything to stick in their heads. Puppies are expensive! Between toys, leashes, vet bills, and food, you’re spending a lot of money. Probably more than you expected. Ask Davron: we spend more money on the dog than we do on him.

Never did we account for the amount of damage a tiny little puppy would do. He has torn up carpet, ripped blankets, clothing, my arms, and chewed on some furniture. Even the moulding on the walls. How can something so small be so destructive.

With a puppy, going out all day or vacation is difficult. Unless you can find someone reliable to watch it. Or want to pay a lot of money for a kennel.

Even though Zeus is almost a year old, he has to be constantly watched. He will snatch things off the coffee table, attempt to chew electrical cords, remote controls, or his favorite, shoes. It is impossible to hide everything from him. If there is a bag of laundry in his reach or my purse, he will insist on dragging it across the floor, spilling as many contents out of it until I can finally stop him (which it quickly turns into a game of tag).

They have to be potty trained. Puppies don’t come naturally knowing that your carpet is not a good place to piddle. It may sound funny, but it isn’t pleasant to find dog poo in your favorite pair of slippers. Luckily, it sounds like we got it pretty easy with our dog compared to other stories we heard. It still wasn’t fun though.

Puppies also don’t understand privacy. There have been countless numbers of times when he has come running out of my bedroom with personal items in his mouth. His personal favorites are expensive bras (it seems the more I paid for it, the more he likes it), dirty socks, and of course underwear. He has run out of my bedroom with guests over and my underwear in his mouth. Can you say awkward?

The last thing we never would have imagined when we got him was how awful he would shed. I have to vacuum my home sometimes daily, or at least every other day. His hair is on everything and everywhere. There is no way to get rid of it! It has disgusting. Wearing black is not an option for me unless I plan on lint rolling myself several times before leaving the house.

His energy has no cap to it. He is like a firecracker waiting to explode when I come home from work. He could be a race car driver with the amount of high speed laps he does around my living room and through my kitchen. Puppies need exercise and a lot of it. The best thing is taking them where there is a big area to run and other dogs!

As much as I adore my dog, I cannot wait til he is no longer a hyper puppy. I have been told this stage may last two or three years. Yikes. I’m hoping it is a myth and not a fact but I have also been told that some dogs have a terrible two stage where they seem to forget everything they learned and go back to being bad. I can’t handle that!

The past 11 months have been crazy trying to raise my husky. He has quickly become one of the most important things in my life. It is amazing how quickly humans can develop bonds with animals. He’s a part of my family and despite the chaos, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Aug 01

Sirens

It is rare if I go a night at my apartment complex that I don’t see cops passing through. Occasionally they come into the complex, lights blazing through the darkness, and typically down the same road. Other times, they speed through, no lights or any thing. I can’t decide whether to be worried or not.

In general, I am a paranoid person. I worry often that I am in danger, whether or not that is logical. The complex sits in on the border of Ypsilanti and Ann Arbor, but has an Ypsi mailing address. I grew up just outside this area and never once felt threatened in the neighborhood I grew up. I never thought that this would be a big area for crime. The fact that I see police cars so often now begs to differ. I can’t tell if they are speeding through here for legitimate reasons or if they are looking for an easy access to the other busy road on the outside of the complex and neighboring subdivision.

I have read that car theft is a typical thing here, and decided soon after the fact to always try to park as close to a street light as I can. We have never had a problem with theft here personally. I don’t feel too worried at night. But still, the cops running through here occasionally has my mind swirling with different possibilities of what is happening elsewhere in the complex we live. If you are wondering, we live in the Pines of Cloverlane, a more expensive complex near Michigan Avenue and 94. 

One thing that makes me feel a little better is that if the cops do come in with sirens & lights, it is on the other side of the road further back where there are less lights. It has made me thankful that our apartment is on a less populated part of the neighborhood.

I don’t know why the cops are here so often, or what they might be looking for when I see them speed through the main door. I felt this place would be safer than my previous apartment off of Washtenaw. I am beginning to wonder if Glencoe was maybe a safer place to live. At this point, I am confused.

Safe or not, my doors will remain to be locked at night, and especially with the hope that Zeus will wake me up in the event of a burglary or whatever else is possible here. While Davron is away back home, I will definitely be sleeping with one eye open.

Jul 31

Being a Vapor Girl

There are some things that I think should be cleared up about my new job. I don’t think many people understand, and that’s okay. A lot of confusion is probably done on my part because when people ask me where I currently am working, my response is always, “Oh, well, I kind of work at a head shop now” which generally is misleading to whomever I am speaking to.

I want to make something clear. Just because someone works at a shop that sells pipes and other interesting things doesn’t mean that they’re into the pipes, or drugs, or any thing generally affiliated with that. I don’t use a “water pipe” and I don’t smoke any things that isn’t legal to buy.

My job in itself actually has little to do with the water pipes and vaporizers and hookahs and kratom. My job is much more simple than that. It’s the easiest job I have ever had and never would have imagined myself doing it. I stand behind a bar and let customers sample over fifty flavors for electronic cigarettes (the healthier way to smoke, or a way to quit).

Davron and I were discussing how I needed another job, how Pier 1 was not bringing in enough or supplying a decent amount of hours. I agreed and began a hunt for a new job. I only had been looking for a few hours when I saw something about eCigs on MLive and called the number. I left a voicemail and not too long later, I was called back and asked for an interview the next day. I went to the smokeshop, shook hands with the men in there (oh boy that was awkward). Next thing I knew, bossman said, “As far as I’m concerned, you’re hired. Can you start tomorrow?” And bam, the rest is history.

One of my main concerns before working here was that I was going to meet a lot of f’ed up customers on drugs. It ceases to amaze me that when I worked at the BANK there were a lot more insane and scary customers than those that step into our small shop. But every now and then, we get a drunk guy wandering in from Liberty Plaza. It hasn’t been any thing threatening. I felt more frightened and worried about being robbed or attacked at the bank and Pier 1. I have become fast friends with a lot of customers from the Wild Side. Every one has just been so open and and accepting.

The point of this whole post was to try and defend my job and my place of work. I am not expecting it to do very much on a resume outside of the customer service aspect. It may not help me get that far ahead in life. People will make assumptions about what I do in my free time. I don’t care. I thoroughly enjoy my job. I don’t wake up and think, “I really don’t want to go to work today.” Every morning, I imagine the strangers I will encounter, familiar faces that will pop in, the life lessons from my bosses, and how much eJuice I’m going to sell. Motivation to be a Vapor Girl is no problem. I am respected & acknowledged for the work that I do and I love it.

Small local businesses all the way.

Apr 23

I wish I had inspiration. It’s been so long since I’ve actually had something I’ve wanted to write about. The urge to write used to happen daily for me and now it is so infrequent that I don’t recognize myself as a writer any longer. How do I get that back? Where did it go? I can feel my skills declining as each day passes. I need more creativity.

Dec 28

Goodbye, 2012

I can’t believe this year is almost over. It felt like it past so quickly. I can honestly say that this year has been the craziest year I have ever lived. So much of my life has changed; divorcing my husband, changing jobs, getting in trouble with the law, moving back to Ann Arbor, starting new relationships, etc. In the midst of all the madness, I firmly believe that life is getting better all the time. Everything is happening to me for a reason, and though I may not know the reasons why these things are happening, I know that God has a plan for me. I’ve done some things this year that I’m not proud of but I am learning from all of my mistakes. I hope things continue to get better for me with the following years to come. I just want to take everything slowly because it’s been pretty rough adapting to all these changes. No matter what though, I know everything is going to be okay.

Oct 10

I am absolutely horrible about keeping up with blogs. Today, as I was writing a long letter to an old friend, I realized that I miss the feeling I get when I write so much. It’s not that I write about any thing special. It’s doubtful that my blogs even get read. However, it’s the feeling of relief I get after just letting go and writing about things, even things of no importance.

I must say, my left has felt so incredibly hectic lately that I place thoughts into proper places. It’s so difficult to explain how I’m doing. Yes, I’m fine. I’m healthy, and I have a roof over my head and a somewhat steady job and I have someone that has gone above and beyond to make sure I’m okay. Still, there are times when I don’t feel like everything is going to be fine. So much has changed lately. So much. I don’t think any one realizes the many different adjustments that I have had to make my life lately. It’s beyond overwhelming.

The best thing I can do is just take one thing at a time. Sometimes I feel like I’m up to my neck in problems, whether it’s work, my divorce, bills, etc. People keep telling me that it’s going to get better but lately that has been so hard to believe. I know eventually they will, but what do I do until then? What do I do until “better” gets here? I guess just keep truckin’. That’s my only option, right?

I wonder if there are people out there that can relate to me. I don’t think any one could possibly understand how I feel. Or maybe they would. All I know is life sucks right now! But hey, it can only go up from here… at least I think!

Jun 11

tumblrbot said: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

Sunglasses! I can’t go outside without them. My eyes are really sensitive to the sun.

Jun 11
This is exactly what my life has felt like lately - The Himalaya ride. The past few months have had so many ups and downs, twists and turns. Sometimes it’s like I’m holding on for dear life. I suppose in a way, I haven’t felt this alive in a long time and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Life certainly is a roller coaster; I just hope mine starts to run more smoothly soon.

This is exactly what my life has felt like lately - The Himalaya ride. The past few months have had so many ups and downs, twists and turns. Sometimes it’s like I’m holding on for dear life. I suppose in a way, I haven’t felt this alive in a long time and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Life certainly is a roller coaster; I just hope mine starts to run more smoothly soon.

Mar 29

Changes

It’s crazy how in what seems like a blink of the eye, a million things change. I’m so happy with the way things have changed in my life. I have my best friend back, my other best friend got married to her hero, and I finally found a new job after a long search. I’m excited to see where God continues to take my life. I hope things can only go up from here.

I’m nervous about beginning my new position as a teller for a bank. It’s going to be a lot different from retail, but it’ll still be fun I hope. And hopefully it isn’t hard to pick up.

Brett and I are doing well. He’s been so busy with school and work that I’m afraid he doesn’t have much time for any thing else. When he does have some time, he’s playing with the MGB. I’m glad he has a hobby so he can do things he enjoys that takes his mind from all the work he has to get done. I love that kid. :) He’s my rock, my main source of support, and my best friend.

Jan 20

2012 already?

I’m absolutely awful at keeping up with this blog. I started it with the intention of writing at least once a week but I’ve failed miserably. I’ve found that it’s far more easy to write things down in a physical journal. For some reason the motion of the pen on paper is relaxing to me.

Things have been complicated lately. At least, more complicated than I had really ever expected them to be. Not in a bad way. I suppose a lot has been thrown at me in the past year and when it comes down to making all these adjustments, it can be difficult. I do not regret anything that I’ve done in my life so far. I know all of my choices have been in my best interest and have made me a stronger person. Growing up just isn’t easy though. It’s probably even less easy when you’re twenty years old and married.

I can’t believe that it’s already 2012. The past two years have flown by so quickly, leaving little time to comprehend everything that is happening. Sometimes I’m afraid that life is passing me by and I’m not spending my time here on earth wisely. Ultimately, like most other people, I’m afraid that I’m just not living my life to its full potential. Every day that I don’t accomplish anything or make another person smile is (in my opinion) a waste. Lets be honest; I think I’ve wasted too many days. One thing that I really need to do differently is RELAX. I get so caught up and worried about things that I don’t take the time to just sit, relax, and be myself. I get so stressed out and by doing so, I push the important people in my life away from me. No more doing that!!

Well, I think I’m finally getting over my insomnia and it’s 3am. I should probably get to sleep now so I can wake the hubs up early  for drill. Weekend to myself! Time to unwind, sit back, and relax with a good book.

Sep 30
95 years is a long life indeed. In fact, it’s impressive. My grandpa lived a life surrounded by family and love. My only hope is that we can continue on with our family the way it has been and spend time and share memories with one another. He will forever be missed.

95 years is a long life indeed. In fact, it’s impressive. My grandpa lived a life surrounded by family and love. My only hope is that we can continue on with our family the way it has been and spend time and share memories with one another. He will forever be missed.

Sep 04
Time is everything.

Time is everything.

Aug 31
Hug me. Now.

Hug me. Now.