SemperFi2BMT

I wish I had inspiration. It’s been so long since I’ve actually had something I’ve wanted to write about. The urge to write used to happen daily for me and now it is so infrequent that I don’t recognize myself as a writer any longer. How do I get that back? Where did it go? I can feel my skills declining as each day passes. I need more creativity.

I can’t believe this year is almost over. It felt like it past so quickly. I can honestly say that this year has been the craziest year I have ever lived. So much of my life has changed; divorcing my husband, changing jobs, getting in trouble with the law, moving back to Ann Arbor, starting new relationships, etc. In the midst of all the madness, I firmly believe that life is getting better all the time. Everything is happening to me for a reason, and though I may not know the reasons why these things are happening, I know that God has a plan for me. I’ve done some things this year that I’m not proud of but I am learning from all of my mistakes. I hope things continue to get better for me with the following years to come. I just want to take everything slowly because it’s been pretty rough adapting to all these changes. No matter what though, I know everything is going to be okay.

I am absolutely horrible about keeping up with blogs. Today, as I was writing a long letter to an old friend, I realized that I miss the feeling I get when I write so much. It’s not that I write about any thing special. It’s doubtful that my blogs even get read. However, it’s the feeling of relief I get after just letting go and writing about things, even things of no importance.

I must say, my left has felt so incredibly hectic lately that I place thoughts into proper places. It’s so difficult to explain how I’m doing. Yes, I’m fine. I’m healthy, and I have a roof over my head and a somewhat steady job and I have someone that has gone above and beyond to make sure I’m okay. Still, there are times when I don’t feel like everything is going to be fine. So much has changed lately. So much. I don’t think any one realizes the many different adjustments that I have had to make my life lately. It’s beyond overwhelming.

The best thing I can do is just take one thing at a time. Sometimes I feel like I’m up to my neck in problems, whether it’s work, my divorce, bills, etc. People keep telling me that it’s going to get better but lately that has been so hard to believe. I know eventually they will, but what do I do until then? What do I do until “better” gets here? I guess just keep truckin’. That’s my only option, right?

I wonder if there are people out there that can relate to me. I don’t think any one could possibly understand how I feel. Or maybe they would. All I know is life sucks right now! But hey, it can only go up from here… at least I think!

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

Sunglasses! I can’t go outside without them. My eyes are really sensitive to the sun.

It’s crazy how in what seems like a blink of the eye, a million things change. I’m so happy with the way things have changed in my life. I have my best friend back, my other best friend got married to her hero, and I finally found a new job after a long search. I’m excited to see where God continues to take my life. I hope things can only go up from here.

I’m nervous about beginning my new position as a teller for a bank. It’s going to be a lot different from retail, but it’ll still be fun I hope. And hopefully it isn’t hard to pick up.

Brett and I are doing well. He’s been so busy with school and work that I’m afraid he doesn’t have much time for any thing else. When he does have some time, he’s playing with the MGB. I’m glad he has a hobby so he can do things he enjoys that takes his mind from all the work he has to get done. I love that kid. :) He’s my rock, my main source of support, and my best friend.

I’m absolutely awful at keeping up with this blog. I started it with the intention of writing at least once a week but I’ve failed miserably. I’ve found that it’s far more easy to write things down in a physical journal. For some reason the motion of the pen on paper is relaxing to me.

Things have been complicated lately. At least, more complicated than I had really ever expected them to be. Not in a bad way. I suppose a lot has been thrown at me in the past year and when it comes down to making all these adjustments, it can be difficult. I do not regret anything that I’ve done in my life so far. I know all of my choices have been in my best interest and have made me a stronger person. Growing up just isn’t easy though. It’s probably even less easy when you’re twenty years old and married.

I can’t believe that it’s already 2012. The past two years have flown by so quickly, leaving little time to comprehend everything that is happening. Sometimes I’m afraid that life is passing me by and I’m not spending my time here on earth wisely. Ultimately, like most other people, I’m afraid that I’m just not living my life to its full potential. Every day that I don’t accomplish anything or make another person smile is (in my opinion) a waste. Lets be honest; I think I’ve wasted too many days. One thing that I really need to do differently is RELAX. I get so caught up and worried about things that I don’t take the time to just sit, relax, and be myself. I get so stressed out and by doing so, I push the important people in my life away from me. No more doing that!!

Well, I think I’m finally getting over my insomnia and it’s 3am. I should probably get to sleep now so I can wake the hubs up early  for drill. Weekend to myself! Time to unwind, sit back, and relax with a good book.

Wow, so it seems I’ve been really bad about keeping up with this blog. I wish I had an excuse but ultimately, there isn’t one. Truth is, I haven’t been up to much lately. Work here and there, and occasionally see friends. Sometimes I think I’m busier than I really am. I figured I would be better about writing while Brett was away but it’s become apparent that I am actually worse at keeping up with a blog when I have so much more time to do it.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about life. It’s amazing to think of the many different paths we can choose to take. How do we know what the right one is? How do we know what to do and what exactly in that moment is the best choice for ourselves? I guess we don’t. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Everything in our lives, God has placed there on purpose. There is no right or wrong way to live your life, but your life is a gift and you have to treat it like that.

I haven’t been very good at living my life, especially not lately. It seems as though I’ve gotten too caught up with what’s going on right now and how I want things to be later on. I have neglected to think about the good things in my life: the things that life is all about. I know I’m not the only one guilty of this. Sometimes we all forget to stop and “smell the roses”, so to speak. I haven’t been very good at appreciating the hand of cards that has been laid out before me. It’s my goal to learn to appreciate and show my appreciation more often. I’m lucky to have what I have and I don’t want to ever forget that. I want to have fun and live a great life; one full of love, happiness, and adventure. I’m excited to see what God has in store for me and my future. I’m happy with the way things are turning out.

The other night I was watching a movie. It wasn’t a very good one, but the moral of the movie really hit home for me. The main character was a famous singer battling addiction and depression. One of the last things she said before she past away was, “Don’t be afraid to fall in love, It’s the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible.” For many people, love is what motivates us most and gets us through the hard times. I want to live a life like that. I want to be full of love, and love everyone and everything, and by that I of course mean in the purest way. If you don’t have love, honestly, you don’t have much. We all need to work on reminding those we care about how much they mean to us. We also need to give unconditional love. Choose love over all else because without it we are nothing.

If not for this guy right here, I would not know what it means to be in love. I think the reason that the stupid movie I watched meant so much to me was because sometimes I think that love is what drives him to be the amazing person that he is. Everything he does, he does out of love and with love. I wish so much that I could be like that. He has such a big heart and his head is in the right place. I am lucky to have someone as wonderful as Brett in my life. Sometimes I fail to remind him just how special he is and how much it means to me to have him by my side. Honey, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that you inspire me to be a better person. Never forget how great you are. I will never understand why of all the people on this planet you chose me, but I pray that never changes. I hope the love that we share and your feelings towards me never fade away and that we can continue living this Semper Fi kind of life together. I love you Brett, and I’ll see you again in eleven more days.

The past is the past; this is the lesson I’m trying to learn to cope with today. Whether it be something in my past or something in his, it’s time for me to let it go. It is what it is and as Kelsey tells me, “Everything happens for a reason.” Of course, I know she’s right. All of our experiences along this crazy thing called life have led us to where we are today. And ultimately, I’m very happy with where my life is at. It’s just time I said goodbye to those bad memories and begin to focus on the new good ones that I have. It’s time I forgot about the demons we’ve had to come to terms with and simply accept that life is still okay.

Brett’s been gone for 50 days, and in 52 days I’ll get to spend possibly just 24 hours with him. Of course, I’m thrilled to get to see him again, but said he’s gotta go, and when he goes again, it’ll be for longer than how long he’s been gone now. I’ll get through and I’ll manage. I just don’t want to have to. I’m proud of him for all he does, but sometimes I want to be selfish and just have him home for me.

For the first time in forever, I think my skin has finally started to darken. The last time I remember it ever changing any color at all was four years ago when I went on an unforgettable trip with Alix Rivard to West “by God” Virginia. After camping out for a week in the hills, white water rafting, and my idiot self putting loads of tanning oil on without sunscreen on the beach, we came home and my body was as red as a tomato.

Today, I was reunited with my beloved old friend and we spent countless hours by the pool at her apartment complex. It was so good to lay out and talk. It may not have been as fun as the old days when we were in middle school and high school together, but I still had a blast. It’s crazy to think about the amount of changes we have been through over the past year since graduating from high school. But it’s still great to know that no matter what happens in life, I still have a good friend I can talk to. It’s friendships like ours that last a lifetime.

It’s been four days since my husband left for training. So far, I had held up pretty well, especially in comparison to last summer when he left for three months. Those three months felt like the longest in my life and I cried every night because I missed him and was scared for him. Everyone knows that boot camp is no walk in the park. Anyway, these past four days I’ve been busy. Shopping with mom, the zoo with my sister, work, a memorial day party, and going to Perrysburg to get my dependent card with Kelsey. I was doing so good at not thinking about the things to come and to not focus on the fact that he’s gone.

Today was the first day I had broken down in tears. I know I only have myself to blame for that. I sat and watched episodes of Coming Home by myself. So many things were running through my mind as I watched as family after family got to welcome home their soldiers, pilots, seamen, and Marines. It brought tears of joy to come to my face as I watched the wives and children hug and hold their hero for the first time in what had seemed like an endless amount of months. How did these couples or even families with children make it so long without being able to see or hear from their service member? I am amazed by how strong they are and happy for them that they got to hold their loved ones again. But then I started thinking, what about the ones that don’t? Reading posts from girls that have lost their Marines overseas doesn’t happen every day when I come on facebook, but it DOES happen. It’s finally beginning to hit me that there is that possibility and it’s so scary to think about. As each day passes and we get closer and closer to the day that he’ll leave to get shipped to the middle east, I get more and more worried. I am too young to lose my best friend.

It’s very scary to suddenly be thrown out there into the world all by yourself. I understand that these days, most people live by themselves for some time before getting tangled up in marriage, or even living with a significant other. I didn’t have that, and if I had the choice to change it I never would. One of the scariest things about him being gone is not knowing what to do if something ever happened.  There’s no way I could repair a damage to the truck, or, God forbid, fight off a burglar. But by far the scariest is having my husband come home in a body bag, to be straight forward. Likely? Maybe not. But still a possibility. By no means am I complaining about the life that I have chosen for myself. I’m just beginning to realize the “consequences” of my actions. I fell in love with a boy whose goal was to be a Marine. Little did I know the affect it would soon have on my entire life.

This past year has been a crazy one. It has been full of so many changes and each one taking a fair amount of time to adjust to. But this one I think is going to be the most difficult. How does one adjust to their partner getting deployed? How does one adjust to dealing with long separations with minimal contact, if any? This is going to be one hell of a ride, whether I’m ready for it or not.